Hooray for Captain Spaulding

Wednesday, July 31, 2002


Uh, oh. I think Robert Evans has something more to say. I thought he said plenty here. Sigh. Go ahead, Bob:
      In March 1972, we were having the premiere of the delayed Godfather. Paramount's Christmas gift to the world was now its Arbor Day gift to the world. We needed somebody big to attend the premiere.
      "Get Henry Kissinger on the phone." I'm told he's in conference with the President. "Tell him Bob Evans wants to talk to him." He returns my call faster than a junior reporter at E! "Hank, I need you to come to the premiere tonight." "I can't Bob, I'm going overseas tomorrow." "No, you're going to my premiere first." He was there.
      I later learned that Henry's overseas trip was to negotiate an end to the Vietnam War. How much longer did the war last because Henry wasn't at his best at the negotiations? Another two years. How many soldiers died as a result? About three hundred thousand. Do their ghosts haunt me? I haven't slept in twenty years. Would I do it again? You bet your sweet bippy.

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Speaking of successful comedy, I saw Austin Powers: Goldmemeber Saturday. I liked it a lot. Better than the second even. There was less repetition of jokes from the previous movies than the second had. And at some point Mike Meyers has realized that you don't need to totally drive a joke into the ground before it's funny.

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When Death to Smoochy came out, I goofed on it for doing a "Death to Barney" theme. Especially since a current events sketch troupe of my acquaintance had done a "Death to Barney" sketch about three years ago. Since said sketch troupe was usually two years behind the zeitgest 8-ball, mathematically speaking, the Kill Barney joke is at least five years out of date.

I bring that up because of this: At the Weird Al concert (more deatils here), one of the bigger laughs was for Barney getting crushed on the giant screen. I also heard a Kill Barney song that Dr Demento spun get big laughs.

This proves something about why I'm not successful comedy-wise; what I don't know.

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As my 30th birthday is fast approaching, I am, understandably, obsessing over Logan's Run. Here is "The Web's First Logan's Run Page."

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As huge a fan of M. Night Shyamalan as I am, his new movie Signs is inspiring a lot of crop circle nonesense despite the fact that the people who made them admitted to doing so. Here's a site detailed crop-circle-making with, I believe, do-it-yourself instructions. The site includes a picture of a Weetabix crop circle (Weetabix is British brand of shredded wheat.)

The problem with crop-circle debunking is the standards of what constitutes proof conveniently changes when someone demonstrates a human-made crop circle. In the alien ones, the wheat was bent at a 97-degree angle and this is clearly a 96-degree angle, that kind of thing. The folks at Total Human Solution have a great idea: Before making your crop circle, register the design with them. The design is encrypted. After the crop circle is made and opinions are formed and aired, the encryption key is published. People examine the circle, unbiased with the prior knowledge that it's man-made.

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Tuesday, July 30, 2002


C. James Carrico, the first physician to treat the mortally wounded President Kennedy, died last Thursday of colon cancer at age 67. Look for the addition of his name in lists of mysterious JFK-assasination-related deaths within the next week. Probably with the word cancer in quotes.

You know, coincidentally, Lincoln was first treated by a doctor named Carrico James.

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Monday, July 29, 2002


Sunday, I saw The Kid Stays in the Picture, a documentary about and narrated by Robert Evans, the man who headed Paramount when it made Love Story, The Godfather and Chinatown and other great movies that were part of the Hollywood renaissance in the early-to-mid-seventies.

The narration is taken from the audio version of his autobiography (a great gift for the upcoming birthday of a certain blogger). This audiobook became a cult classic due to Evans baritone delivery and use of dopey metaphors ("Look, my ass isn't just on the line; it's out the door") and rhetorical questions (It was the basis of the Mr Show's God's Book on Tape sketch).

His depiction of events should, of course, be taken with many grains of salt. I mean, he takes credit for women wearing pants.

It's tough to stop imitating him:
Will I keep asking rhetorical questions like Robert Evans? Very likely. Will it get annoying? Of course. Will somebody punch me to make me stop? You betcha. Will I stop? Not on your life.
I'm handed the comic strip Cathy. I say "Gentlemen, this is our next picture. Except we're going to replace the whiny broad with a muscle-bound sailor. We'll get that Mork guy to star. If he's not available, we'll get that Jap from that science-fiction show." And so Popeye was born.

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Talking of the county fair, here's something fun to do when going to an outdoor fair. Say to the ticket-collector, "I'm in the mood for a turkey leg and some funnel cake. Is it possible to get either of these things here?"

I also refuse to ride any rides at the fair. I don't trust rides with wheels under them because it seems said wheels' purpose is to make a quick getaway when the ride kills a kid.

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On Friday, I did one of the geekiest things I'd ever done in my life as I drove (well, rode, more accurately) about fifty miles to go to the Orange County Fair to see "Weird Al" Yankovic. At the fair was the Weird Al Experience, a literal Al-apalooza of all things Al-related, including his first accordian and his Grammy. Good thing I brought a camera! One of the things my friend and I took pictures of (besides the giant Weird Al balloon outside the exhibit) were costume displays that had "In Use" signs on them in lieu of the costumes (as Al would be using the costumes in the concert).

And use them he did! His concert had more costume changes than a dozen drag queen shows. He did most of his oeuvre. My friend pointed out that not one song came from this millenium. We had half-hoped he'd do a polka medley of recent hits, figuring how hard is it to listen to the radio for an hour. None existed.

The fans ate it up with three spoons. There's an interesting Rocky Horror aspect to the concert where fans knew to do certain things. For example, when Al jumped up and down in his fat suit (for the song "Fat"), the audience would bounce in their seats as if a result of various Newtonian laws.

Also at the Fair that night were Heart and Dr Demento. Were it 1985 (with me at then age 13), it would have been a perfect evening.

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Sunday, July 28, 2002


Max Power replys to my defense of Andrew Sullivan (said defense is here). I say that even spotting him Bebe Neuwirth and John Ritter (although I question whether someone could go immediately from making a guy-on-guy pedophilia movie to a family sitcom), we still have one more celebrity in Tadpole than in L.I.E. I'm also still waiting for examples of posters of hot guys nuzzling on fifteen-year-old characters' ears or of reviews that state that any red-blodded fifteen-year should not mind getting a little something-something from a good-looking man (ideally dressed in some nature of a sexy outfit).

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MAD Magazine is looking for a new guy to replace Dave Berg. Details here.

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Thursday, July 25, 2002


Also the creator of American Idol has gotten the rights to the Monkees. I could be the landlord who's always trying to collect the rent.

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Lou Pearlman, who created Backstreet Boys and N'Sync, is going to launch a real-life music group based on the Archies. I wonder if the role of Mr. Weatherbee is taken?

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Max Powers argues with Andrew Sullivan's complaint that no one has raised an anti-pedophilia stink about the movie Tadpole, film where a 15-year-old "gets some" (as the kids say) from Bebe Neuwirth. He gives the counter-examples of the stink raised for Lolita and the non-stink raised for L.I.E..

I would suggest to Max that L.I.E. isn't as prominent a movie as Tadpole is (or at least doesn't feature three celebrities and didn't get as much press as this flick is). Also all Lolita proves is that any film with the man as a predator (hetero- or homosexual) in pedophilia would raise a stink, meaning there's a sexist double-standard as well as a heterosexist one.

I would also argue that this poster of two adult women nuzzling a 15-year-old would not be OK if it were about homosexuals. Also as for the review Sullivan complains about , I put it to you that some fuss would be raised if a review of a hypothetical homosexual movie said "Hey, what fifteen-year-old doesn't want to get boned by a hot guy?"

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The birthday (coming August 9th, mark it on your calendar) is slightly depressing as it is my 30th. Thirty was the arbitrary age I had chosen for my deadline for succeeding in my show-biz aspirations. Just seemed so far off then.

Possibly the reason I chose that age was for the longest time, Superman was 29. Technically, he was 129 years old as his rocketship made a side trip to another dimension before landing on Earth as we learned in Action #370 (and only twenty-five issues after Superman was unmasked on Candid Camera).

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As long as I'm plugging old posts since I have no ideas, here's one with links to letters discussing the real life Basil Fawlty inspired by the birthday present of the complete DVD Fawlty Towers set my brother gave me. Just looking at some photos of the show made me laugh at how good it was.

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WACKY GOOGLE HITS: Someone while googling for Richie's Neighborhood Pizzeria stumbled on my review of that eatery. If I've convinced one person not to eat their horrendous pizza pie, I've done some good in this world.

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Wednesday, July 24, 2002


Leo McKern, Number 2 in three (I believe) Prisoner episodes and Rumpole of the Bailey, died yesterday.

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Sunday, July 21, 2002


I just got myself tickets for the LA production of The Producers on its opening Saturday evening.

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A temptation I've occassionally had was to buy a record player so that I could listen to a lot of the great old comedy records that weren't getting put out in CD-format. It's now looking like I won't have to. The good folks at Laugh.com are re-issuing loads of classic comedy albums, including stuff from Shelly Berman, Stiller & Meara, and Jonathan Winters. There's even Jonathon Winters first comedy album in thirty years (with free samples here) (Yes, technically that's not a classic.)

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A terrific article about how American Movie Classics his a shell of its former self, partially because they don't run many classic movies any more and partially because what they do run is often edited for content.

Like, the article, I too endorse the service or product of Turner Classic Movies. During the colorization controversy, who'd have thought a network with Turners would be the best venue for old movies.

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Saturday, July 20, 2002


A parody of 5 For Fighting's "Superman(It's Not Easy)" by a superhero who, unlike Superman, actually has something to complain about.

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Friday, July 19, 2002


Reading the top 50 worst show list, I can't help but think that George Meyer (a Simpsons writer and producer who is responsible, if not for the majority of the funniest Simpsons moments, then for a plurality of them) was right in this New Yorker article when he said
When you and I were kids, the average TV comedy was about a witch, or a Martian, or a goofy frontier fort, or a comical Nazi prisoner-of-war camp. That was the mainstream. Now the average comedy is about a bunch of people who hang around in some generic urban setting having conversations and sniping at each other. I remember watching, in the sixties, an episode of 'Get Smart' in which some angry Indians were aiming a sixty-foot arrow at Washington, and Max said something like 'That's the second-biggest arrow I've ever seen,' and I thought, Oh, great, shows are just going to keep getting nuttier and nuttier. I never dreamed that television comedy would turn in such a dreary direction, so that all you would see is people in living rooms putting each other down.
However flawed Baby Bob(#14 on the list) is, at least you can't say "Oh, Jesus, not another damn talking baby show."

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While researching The Pruitts of Southampton (#20 on the list, Phyllis Diller is an heiress whose family goes broke and is forced by the IRS to keep up a false pretense of being rich to avoid financial panic), I found this neat site about a special which plugged ABC's fall 1966 line-up. In it, Batman and Robin are asked to find out which show was stolen from the new line-up. The answer is here. HINT: As I mentioned here, the star of that show and Burt Ward apparently share a certain trait.

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What better way to waste more computing power than was used to battle Enigma than talking some more about the TV Guide worst 50 shows list.

A show I was surprised to be unaware of was Alexander the Great, a failed 1964 pilot starring William Shatner and Adam West, aired in 1968 when both stars had become famous. It's probably a good thing that it didn't make it to series as I can't imagine any scenery was left what with it all being chewed up.

I wonder who was the first one to say "I can't work with that ham!"

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I just got my brand new Dell, my first new computer in about 4-5 years. Even though the amount of computing power in my old machine was unimaginable 30 years ago (and portable too!), going from that 'puter to this one is still like going from a tricycle to a Ferarri. And it was just ten years ago that I was amazed at how fast a 9600-baud modem was! (It was literally the difference between doing my homework at home or going to the computer lab to do it since even with walking to and from said lab, it was still quicker than trying to do homework over my crappy whatever-baud modem.)

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Wednesday, July 17, 2002


My pal Bob Power's blog Girls Are Pretty just made Blogger's blogs of note list. If you haven't checked it out, whasamatta you? (Warning: Has dirty words.)

Now if Blogger would just fix their damn archiving problems.

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Ted Danson says he's willing to do a Cheers reunion show. This is as good an excuse as any to introduce to you what I call the Ted Danson Factor. A while back, a friend and I were trying to figure out why a Frasier guest spot with Ted Danson got high ratings when his last x movies had bombed in the box office. We reached the conclusion that people like Ted Danson for free. They just don't like him enough to pay to see him.

So the Ted Danson factor explains why some actors and actresses are popular on the TV but not in film. Like, say, David Caruso.

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So after spending about 2 grand on a new Dell, I discover that the Dell dude is a scab.

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Tuesday, July 16, 2002


The Aliens vs Predator movie is apparently a go.

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Monday, July 15, 2002


Fox is releasing the first season of 24 this September. This may be a precedent for more early release of TV shows on DVD.

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Great article about the high-larious Zach Galifianakis, ex-host of VH1's Late World with Zach.

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For the record, when I said below that Holmes and Yoyo sounded like a weekly version of the HYMIE the robot episodes of Get Smart, I didn't necessarily mean it was a bad thing.

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My brother stands up in defense of 33rd worst show Holmes and Yoyo (New Cop Team Wanted for "Riotous" Laughter) although he admits that he's basing that defense on his memories at age eight. The description and pedigree (produced by Get Smart's Leonard Stern) makes it sound like a weekly version of the Hymie the robot episodes of Get Smart including doing the "Hop to it" joke (Compare Hymie's entry to Yoyo's entry in a list of TV robots).

Get Smart's treatment of Hymie was remarkably more sophisticated than Star Trek's treatment of Data, Turing-Test-wise. I don't know if Hymie would blow up if given Kirk's "I am lying now" paradox.

And here's the listing of VICI from Small Wonders in the list o' TV robots.

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My pal Jim Woster points out that Albert Brooks wrote for Turn-On. This page contains an article that confirms it (although the article gets the year wrong).

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Sunday, July 14, 2002


One thing I forgot to mention about Turn-On, the show that was cancelled after one episode, in my post about the TV Guide list of fifty worst shows ever, is that in 1969, many folks thought the show was cancelled because of cowardice on ABC's part. Harlan Ellison, in a March 1969 TV review column (collected with others in The Glass Teat) uses the show as an example when quizzing Norman Lear on whether ABC would have the guts to pick up his pilot Those Were the Days (later, of course, run on CBS as All in the Family). In other words, it may not have been cancelled becuase it was a bad show.

In the essay before that one, Harlan reviews What's It All About, World?, a right-wing Laugh-In which sounds worse than Turn-On.

UPDATE: Mark Evanier says the same thing about Turn-On here and tells the story about how Pink Lady and Jeff is not the official title of the show.

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Saturday, July 13, 2002


A tip from Instapundit on how to fix your Blogspot not-archiving problem.

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The LA Examiner notes that the Times is burying the real lead of the Michael Jackson porno producer story: How did a little-known producer get Michael Jackson to sign away the rights to a song?

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I'm noticing that ads for Road to Perdition now say "Based on the graphic novel by Max Allan Collins and Richard Rayner" instead of "Based on the Novel by..." For a while there seemed to be a weird conspiracy of silence about the fact that the movie was based on a graphic novel. The folks involved with the film seemed ashamed to admit that they were doing a moving picture based on a funny book and DC was ashamed that they didn't shop it to Warner Brothers before Fox got it.

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TV Guide announces its list of the 50 worst shows of all time. A few comments:

How the hell did Small Wonder not make this list?

Jerry Springer has no delusions about his show. I'm told a story that when he was guest-starring on a sitcom, a producer told him that he was a huge fan of the show. Springer replied "Are you insane?"

I've seen both episodes of You're in the Picture, the game show so bad that in episode 2 host Jackie Gleason spent the entire half-hour apologized for the previous week's episode. The premiere is as horrible as advertised and the apology is as hilarious as advertised.

Turn-On is the show that was cancelled mid-first-episode in some markets. JumpttheShark has memories of some people who've seen this show.

Mark Evanier wrote for Pink Lady...and Jeff.

The Brady Bunch Hour made the list but The Bradys, the 1990 Brady Bunch drama, didn't?

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One of the things Michael Jackson attacked Tommy Mottola for was blocking the release of a charity single Jackson was involved with. It turns out Jackson's people asked Sony to suppress the single because the executive producer was in the gay porn business. (Also McDonald's dropped out as a distributor because they didn't want to be associated with Jackson). The full story here.

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Thursday, July 11, 2002


For all the folks coming from David Trowbridge, let me give a slightly more detailed description of the astronauts taking Normandy painting. Two or three Apollo moon landers are in the ocean. Several folks in space-suits are holding rifles on the beach. A few astronauts are driving moon buggies.

I am diligently searcing for a picture on the web of this painting. I'll try a mess o' search variations on google. This I swear!

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Wednesday, July 10, 2002


Speaking of Tom Hanks, last night on Conan, they gave Tom Hanks for his birthday a commissioned painting that combines two of his interests: space and WWII. It was a painting of astronauts taking Normandy. If it's ever for sale, I'm buying one.

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This week's Slate book club discusses a few books on the subject o' movie-making, including a reprint of The Devil's Candy, a book which detailed the making of Bonfire of the Vanities. My favorite passage of The Devil's Candy is Tom Hanks is doing research for his part at a brokerage firm. He's grumbling about why actors have to do research rather than just pretend. He then says something to the effect of "Thank God I'm not doing some military movie where I'd have to go to boot camp."

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It turns out I was wrong and the Internet does have a picture of the creepy Louis Anderson statue. Two, in fact.

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Tuesday, July 09, 2002


The LA Examiner has the full transcript of the "Artie took my job" prank pulled on CNN.

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Speaking of Louis Anderson, the Internet disappoints me once again as I am unable to find a picture of that creepy Louis Anderson statue (to hawk the Family Feud slot machines) at the MGM Grand in Vegas.

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At the below-mentioned party, I learned of a couple of friends who dropped by Louis Anderson's place due to a false rumor that he was hosting a Fourth of July Party. Of course, I couldn't stop making fun of them:
"I hear there's a happening shindig over at Murray Langdon's tonight."
"I'm going to have to leave in an hour. Charles Fleischer is hosting a little get-together."
"Party at Bob Nelson's. Pass it on!"

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Monday, July 08, 2002


My long-ago promised Minority Report review for the two of my readers who haven't seen it yet: A good movie that had a great Philip K. Dick creepy feel to it as well as the Dickian tendency to include futuristic detail in the background. The inevitable Spielberg happy ending didn't even feel tacked on although I am curious to re-read the original short story. My only complaint is its use of the cliche of Character A saying to Villainious Character B "Gee, I never said [Murder Victim] was shot/stabbed/drowned".

I also saw Men in Black II or MIIB as I like to call it. It's one of those movies that you kind of enjoy while in the theater but can't remember a single detail of after you leave. Not an unpleasant way to kill the two hours I needed to kill between one friend's yard sale and another's BBQ.

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Sunday, July 07, 2002


Another TV reminder: Koppel's interviewing Letterman for the premiere of Nightline Up Close tomorrow.

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Saturday, July 06, 2002


The LA Examiner reports that CNN and AP fell for a Howard Stern listener's prank call while reporting the LAX shooting.

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Speaking of heros teaming-up, how did Universal end up not doing a monsters team-up to fight Nazis movie? Sherlock Holmes fought Nazis, for Heaven's sake. (Although that movie was based on the Doyle story "His Last Bow" according to the credits.) Surely the monsters could have done their part.

UPDATE: Another Sherlock Holmes vs Nazis movie.

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I do have to say regarding House of Frankenstein that it was made the year after Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man which was particularly awful so who knows how they'll treat the franchise in this one.

Frankenstein Meets the Wolfman illustrates a principle I have about some old horror movies. We're told that unlike today's horror flicks with their blood and guts that what's scary about the old horror movies is what they don't show you. What Frankenstein Meets the Wolfman didn't show me was movie-making skills. Or Frankenstein meeting the Wolf Man.

What ever you think of the old Marvel Comics cliche of heros-have-misunderstanding-heros-fight-heros-team-up-to-fight-evil, you have to give Marvel credit about one thing: If a cover showed the Hulk fighting the Thing, by golly, you were going to get the Hulk fighting the Thing.

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TV Recommendations: (I will be using the literal day for post-midnight stuff.)
1) Tuesday July 9th 8:00 AM EST Christmas in July directed by the great Preston Sturges. (Here I review two of his greatest movies.)

2) Wednesday July 10th 1:36 AM EST Bob Odenkirk and David Cross are on the Carson Daly Show. I hear when Sarah Silverman was on his show, he'd asked several times "Are you doing a joke?" so it should be fun to watch at that level as well.

3) Saturday July 13th 4:50 AM EST (or 11:59PM EST) House of Frankenstein. I have not seen this movie but it features Frankenstein's monster, Dracula and the Wolf Man plus Boris Karloff as a mad scientist. How bad can it be?

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"Marvelous Max" Power also posts a funny review from Amazon that goofs on Stephen Wolfram's A New Kind of Science.

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What if Elvis was Jewish? It might go a little something like this (Thanks to "Marvelous Max" Power).

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Blogger is finally working, allowing me to publish the three entries below. Woo-hoo!

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Mark Evanier plugs The Popeye Show on Cartoon Network which runs brand-new, uncut prints of the classic Fleischer Brothers cartoons on at 1 AM Sunday (or technically, Monday morning). I remember as a kid figuring out that the black-and-white Popeyes were the only good ones (which was ruined when they started colorizing them).

I am almost the polar opposite of a fan of Robin Williams but I think his portrayal of Popeye was under-rated. It was certainly a lot closer to the great old Popeye cartoons than anything else Popeye-related, like say The All-New Popeye Hour.

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Friday, July 05, 2002


Speaking of Bob Heyges (TV's Epstein and a Real Person), one of the funnier moments of the E! True Hollywood Story about Welcome Back Kotter is Ron Palillo (TV's Horshack) complaining about the "Welcome Back, Kotter curse" followed by Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs(TV's Washington) saying essentially "There wasn't any curse; shows get cancelled after a few years."

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My faith in the Internet is proven as I found a fan-site for Dynamite magazine, the children's magazine available either at the library or through the Scholastic Book Order things elementary school classes would get.

I was inspired to look as a friend of mine had a few issues at a yard sale of his. I immediately cell-phoned another friend of mine, asking if he wanted me to snag them for him. He said yes even though we agreed that the asked-for price of a dollar-per-issue was a Bummer. ("Don't you hate when your friend charges you a dollar-per-issue for old Dynamites?" with accompanying picture of friend #1 holding a burlap sack of money and friend #2 with out-turned empty pockets.) One of the issues I bought assured me that "Bob Heyges is a Real Person!" Meanwhile I now want the Logan's Run issue.

UPDATE: I am unable to find any fan-site for Bananas, other than 500 sites that tell me that RL Stine used to write for them. Damn you, Internet!

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Monday, July 01, 2002


I saw Minority Report Saturday (I'll post a review later. Bottom line: I liked it). They ran the teaser trailer for Daredevil (available here). Two things about it: First, the costume looks even gayer in film than it does as a photo. Second, the trailer makes the mistake of assuming that everybody knows who Daredevil is. It's just a bunch of quick-cuts of Daredevil and others in action and then a quick flash of the website address (Which I don't remember and they can't be bothered to register their site with google. Great job, guys! Publicity geniuses, you are!) The trailer didn't even mention the most interesting part about Daredevil: He's a blind superhero.

You can get away with that sort of stuff for Spider-man or Batman or even Scooby Doo since the public is familiar with them. But clearly this isn't the case with Daredevil. That's why they cast Ben Affleck. The movie wouldn't have been made if he or someone of his fame level wasn't interested.

Linking this to the item below, I'm waiting for the attack that they made Kingpin a black man (While I was initially skeptical, I can't honestly think of another actor with the same imposing physical presence that's needed for the Kingpin.)

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An article about the fall-out from this Newsweek interview with Angela Bassett where she attacks Halle Berry's Oscar-winning role in Monster's Ball as "a stereotype of black women and sexuality". The Times article also states that some are saying that Denzel Washington's role needs to be looked at more closely.

Occassionally I wonder if maybe the reason for the small amount of racial diversity in TV and movies is that it's sometimes not worth the aggravation. The Cosby Show was attacked because its upper-middle-class African-American family was unrealistic. The PJs was attacked because portraying African-Americans in a ghetto was stereotypical. I remember Ally McBeal being attacked because an interracial relationship on the show didn't make race an issue. And then there was The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer, a BlackAdder knockoff, which was decried as racist even though the black guy was the only smart person on the show.

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